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A ROMANTIC Message from the Roger That! Executive Suite

Valentine's Day is coming. Roger That!, like all greeting card businesses, really thrives on Valentine's Day. We're not even going to bother trying to convince you to buy our incredibly romantic, persuasive and pretty cards because we know you will anyway. Instead, I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you about someone very special: Saint Valentine. The romance-addled Christian martyr for whom our Valentine's Day is named!

Okay, first off, there were a lot of dudes running around the Roman Empire named Valentine (or Valentinian...close enough) getting themselves martyred in one disgusting way or another. And as we all know, if you're a martyr, you're also a saint. (But if you're a saint, you're not necessarily a martyr! A fun fact!) And there isn't a lot of agreement about which of these Valentines is our Valentine. But we're talking about a guy who lived 1800 years ago, so over the course of people giving a shit about this kind of thing, all the various tales and legends and facts and non-facts and propaganda and wishful thinking have settled down to basically this: St. Valentine was some sort of priest or bishop in Rome, or someplace else in Italy, or possibly someplace in Africa. Now, the Roman emperor at the time was, everyone agrees, Claudius Gothicus. This preponderance of agreement is weird because C-Goth, in true later Roman emperor fashion, was only emperor for two years and the dates of St. Val's martyrdom are pegged before, after and only occasionally during CG's reign.

But let's not get lost in the details, since the Vatican obviously doesn't. Okay, it seems that what got Val in the doghouse with Claudius Gothicus was that Val was the go-to guy for the forbidden Christian wedding ceremony. Now, the story goes, after his arrest, he somehow managed to meet the emperor (which seems unlikely, but whatever) and the two of them got along like best buds.

But then Val tried to convert Claudius and that was the end of that. Claudius condemned our boy to be clobbered to death. So some soldiers drag him out to wherever one clobbers people to death. They clobber him with clubs. They clobber him with rocks. But as anyone who has read more than ten accounts of saintly martyrdom will tell you, God will, in his inscrutable fashion, often intervene in these initial execution attempts, so the soldiers bust their humps trying to clobber Val to death, but he won't die. Their next attempt is more successful. They cut his head off (almost always effective if you're trying to kill a martyr, by the way. Unless you happen to be dealing with one of the annoying cephalophores -- they just pick their severed heads up and walk away -- but they're the exception). Anyway, where was I? So the soldiers cut Val's head off. He died. The end. Now how's THAT for ROMANTIC?


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