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A Message from our Incredibly Spiritual CEO:
Do you know the story of Cecilia and Valerian? I just learned out about it, and it's a corker! Cecilia was this pious young  Christian gal who wanted to remain pure for Jesus, but she was of a noble family so she had to have a noble husband and make noble babies, so her dad made her marry a nice young nobleman named Valerian.  She agreed but on their wedding night, he's all, "Let's get it on!" and she's all, "First, go see Urban, in the forest, and ask him about Jesus. When you come back, I'll show you an angel!" so he does and Urban tells him about God and heaven and all that stuff, and Valerian is converted and comes back to Cecilia and tells her, "Yeah, I see we shouldn't spoil our holy selves by getting it on," and she's all, "Yeah, we'll have a chaste marriage and that will please God," and then she introduces him to the angel, who says, "That's really awesome that you've converted and are going to have a chaste marriage, so I'll grant you any wish," so Valerian tells the angel that he wants his brother to see the light and convert. I don't remember the brother's name, so I'll call him Todd. So Todd's converted. So Todd and Valerian go around converting people and talking about God, which raises the hackles of the local magistrate. I don't remember the magistrate's name either, so I'll call him Snidely Whiplash. So Snidely tells one of his soldiers, Maximus, to drag Valerian and Todd to the temple of Venus or whatever and make a sacrifice and renounce God. But when Maximus meets the boys, he feels sorry for them and takes them to visit Cecilia, who tells them to be brave. Then I'm a little unclear on the details, but Todd and Valerian are executed and thrown in the ditch, and then Maximus, for being less than 100% on board with Snidely's program, is also executed and thrown in the ditch. Then Snidely asks to see Cecilia and they have this big argument where he keeps telling her that her goose is cooked and she's in deep shit, and she shoots back sassy remarks to the effect that Snidely's powers are entirely temporal and meaningless and she's going to heaven and he's not, etc., etc. So Snidely tells the executioner to take her away and behead her.  Okay, here's the good part. So the executioner tries THREE TIMES to behead her, and even though he hits the bull's eye three times, her damn head will NOT come off and she REFUSES to die! And executioners have some sort of code or superstition that they never administer more t.jpg) han three blows! (Three strikes and you're out...of trouble!) Isn't that great? And it gets better! So the executioner decides that, since her head is almost off, he'll just let her die of her wounds, so he puts her IN A BATH TUB! So she's lying there in the bath tub, managing to look serene while her head is only just barely attached to her body. This draws a crowd, needless to say, so she uses the opportunity to convert all the people who come to see the almost headless serene lady. Then, after three days, she basically says, "Okay, I've been in this bath tub for three days. Time to go!" and then she dies! Next stop: sainthood!
This is all by way of saying that there's all kinds of religious holidays happening right now, and I don't know anything about them or why they're happening, but I know a good saint story when we hear it, so happy religious holidays, everyone!
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Lady Tabitha Shrinkstick: "I find them offensive. However, I do appreciate the reasonable prices and free postage and handling."
Colonel Cuthbert Cuthmont: "Why, never before have I seen such a wacky, zany, goofy collection! And never before have I used the words 'wacky,' 'zany,' or 'goofy' in a sentence!"
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